cesar - thought

An it harm none...

Do what thou wilt.

Thinking of him... Still...
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ashrising

Some videos.







Hope you like them.

I could not understand what I said in them LOL...


Now I wanna sleep...

César.
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Bad plan!
cesar - caiaphas
ashrising

Oh.

He has not answered my calls.

I planned on using Ramón's phone to call him. His is from Colima.



He did not answer immediately, but then he sent a message. That means he is well enough to answer when it is not me doing the calling (or as long as he does not know it is me).



Good thing is, he is not dying or something worse.

But now I do not know what's up with him. Why won't he call me?


If only he told me about it...

César.
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Sad videos...
cesar - thorns
ashrising

...

Some sad videos...











And to leave on a slightly higher note, a pic of me!

201009 (001)



I want to talk to him so badly!

César.
Tags: ,

A couple of videos...
cesar - ego
ashrising

Videos.

I will upload more soon...






That's all for now...

César.
Tags: ,

Fonz (continued)...
cesar - thorns
ashrising

Sigh...

I'm a bad guy, I insisted once again...

And he answered me.

First thing he asks me, if I know what time it is. But that was all the reproach he gave, after that it was nice.

He tried his best to calm me down (he sucks at it, LOL, and he knows it).

He said he does not want to hear me cry, because he has this image of me as a "strong guy" and he does not want to lose that. I am his support, if I fall, where will he be? I said I would not stop. All my life I have repressed emotions. I started letting them out this year (he helped). And I ain't stopping.

He said he liked it when I told him I did not need him and that I could go on, with or without him. He said no one had told him that before. I told him how I had talked about that with Javier Barragán (who helped me a lot today to stay calm). I said I did not need him, I can still go on. But I want him with me. And I will be sad, one day, one year, who knows? But I will not die.

He said his plans are just that. I should not feel bad for something that has not happened yet. And as he says something he may end up doing something else. I said his even thinking about it tells me something. I am not part of his plans.

His "do not take it personal" was replied with my "that is the problem". That decision is not "personal". It does not involve me at all. He said he will always take me into account.

Things cannot be rushed. Things cannot be forced. He asked me to remember all things have its time. For this, stability and love are needed. I take it he means the part where he feels he first should be alright before he can consider being with me. He also means he is still not at the point where he loves me.

He does tell me he loves (Spanish: querer, "less" than romantic love) me a lot, too. He repeated that a few times.

I did tell him I was afraid of saying things. To make it all worse with a word.

I feared his freedom. I do not want him to lose his freedom. But it hurts so much to imagine what he may be doing while he is free.

I also told him I have become something I do not like. I am telling him what to do. I am asking him to change for me. I am all for change, but actually asking someone to do it for me is something forbidden. I should not even consider it. And here I am, doing it to the person I love.

I am insecure. Not of myself as before. Before, I was insecure of what I was. Perhaps I was too ugly. Too fat. Perhaps I am not worth it. Now I know I am worth it. Now I know what I have to offer. But I am insecure in the not knowing if I will ever have his love.

He finally made me calm down, although I said I was now sadder than before, heheheheh.

I apologized for calling so late, but he kind of did the same. Since I was already kind of joking and smiling, he countered with another joke, LOL. Cannot remember it, though. He and Gerardo had gone out for dinner (after I had waken them up). But now he was back at home. He really needed to sleep. But he asked me to call him early tomorrow if I wanted.

He did ask me if I was at home (he cares, I kind of never doubted that, I know he really cares for me and that he loves me in that friendly way, it is just I want something more).

I had told him I will not insist. And that he can tell me if he ever wants something more. And asked him how long should I wait for him...

But I ended the call saying we could go back to how we were before this thing today (yesterday).

I told him a few times I love him so much, he cannot imagine how much...

This may end up being something good. To make him see I care. And that he has a place in AGS.


BTW, you know how I go shopping when I am sad? Well, let's just say I do not know how I will finish this fortnight... I got a Camilo Sesto collection and the soundtrack from Love Never Dies. Now I just have to worry about getting enough food for another 12 days before payday...

César.
Tags:

Fonz.
cesar - dark
ashrising

Happiness, then everything but.

This week we talked better and better.

I spent a lot of time busy at work, but the time we talked was good. I "met" housemate Gerardo this week, even co-worker Edith, during Fonz's operation (read below).

Then he got his appointment for the operation. This would let him get rid of a problem he had.

This was on Friday. Everything turned out alright. He will have to be careful, but he can walk and all, so he is fine.

I was happy for him.

His plans with the bar were not to be, though. He told me that during the week.

Then, on Saturday, he tells me the "news".

Those plans were the only thing holding him in Celaya. Now he is free to move.

To Guadalajara.

Not to Aguascalientes.

This was not good news for me (even though he was clearly excited when he shared them with me).

I have left a lot of things behind to be with him. I know I cannot ask him to do the same because all the time it was my decision, but it still hurts.

He kind of thinks it will be easier for me to go visit him in GDL, but it will not. It is the same fucking distance! And I will have less time. And he does not have a job there. And I may not have the strength to have a long-distance relationship.

I told him I know I cannot tell him what to do, and that perhaps I should not even tell him about my feelings about this...

But I told him I was hoping for something between us. He asked me why I had to be so pessimistic about it (as if we could really have a relationship living so far away from each other, and I do not even know if he does want a relationship with me). A temporary thing I could understand, with plans to finally coming back to AGS. But going to GDL sounds far more permanent...

He then told me the final decision was not even made yet... Would he really change his mind for me?

His plan is to save some money (what money?) and go to GDL along with Gerardo. Gerardo wants to go there... Well, fuck it! I want you here!

I felt bad all afternoon. I called him a few times afterwards, but we did not bring up this topic.

Javier Barragán tried his best to keep my mind from this (I was in shock).

But then he left at 12:30... So I called Fonz and he did not answer. He should already be asleep (hard to go clubbing when his ball has been operated on).

I know I should not have done it, but I insisted. Lots of times. Until 1:15...

I wish I could have talked to him.

He has called me at night when he has needed to talk...

Well, I need to talk.

I may not even have anything to say, but I do want to hear his voice one more time tonight.

And what does it mean I am being too pessimistic? And what does it mean the final decision is still in the air?

And what do you think of what I said?

And do you love me?

Or will you?


I hate everything right now! I want him with me. But his life is taking him somewhere else. And no, it is not his life this time. It is he himself. Why GDL? Because of Gerardo? Why do you even need him? Why did you go to Celaya to begin with? Cannot forget Abraham? Fuck it! He is a good kid, I know that, but he cannot be for you. He has his own issues, and it was always too much for him! And you say because he was the one who helped you change? The hell he was! It was I. All you and he did was fight! I was the one who believed in you and I was the one who told you you could do it! If you are in love with him because of that, face it, he did not do it...

Fuck, I want to destroy the whole fucking world!

I want to be with you.

And I want you to want to be with me...

I want you to at least answer the stupid phone... I do not care if you are asleep...

Do you think I will be able to sleep now?

Do you?

Do you think I can wait until tomorrow?

Damn!

César.
Tags:

Nine months!
cesar - thorns
ashrising

(Not) together!

On August 26th 2010, we had our 9-months-of-knowing-each-other anniversary.

We talked during short periods of time all day because we were both busy at work.

He had a headache, too.

That night, we talked more when he got home. For a long time.

We told each other good things about the other. What I see in him, and he told me good things about me.

The following day I asked him about his headache. He said it had gone away last night after we talked. That was nice to hear.

These days we have been talking as usual. He sometimes contacts me, and I call him.

I did ask about Gerardo and him, and they are just friends.

I want to see the painting they are working on in the bar.

When he asked me about "my boyfriend" I told him I wanted someone who lives in Celaya. He asked me why I did not ask him to be my BF. I asked him what he thought this guy would say. He answered he might ask for more time. I said that is what I thought.

Today he did not go to the bar. He said he asked for rest on Sundays. Sounds good.

He saw a mouse in his house tonight.


Oh, I really love him. And I hate how "romantic" I sound...

I leave you with this pic of me from hours ago...

201008 (001)


César.
Tags:

Dragon Quest IX pic.
cesar - tough
ashrising

Elgios.

Elgios (001)



I like Elgios.

César.

All about me!
cesar - headphones
ashrising

Go! Now!

Check THIS!

It is me!


Some pics from Facebook. And then some!

César.

Night at Lalo's.
cesar - headphones
ashrising

Visit.

I spent the night at Lalo's.

He had an accident and his leg and arm are hurt. I took some movies to watch with him and Hugo, his boyfriend.

I selected The Shining and The Final Destination.

Turns out Final Destination 2 and Final Destination 3 were on TV last night, so he had a marathon of Final Destination movies (we watched mine today).

We also called Fonz. It had been a while since the last time they could talk that long. It seems it helped Fonz.


I also played some Final Fantasy IX.

César.

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